WARNING: This is probably the most facetious, most downright offensive and brutal article regarding online dating you’ll see for years. I’m pulling no punches. And with that, I take a deep breath and prepare to lose friends…

Due to fairly popular demand, here is the second part of my dating site run-through. This time, I’ll be covering the different types of women a guy can expect to see online, as well as a few types of guys that women will encounter (oh that’s right – I do my research before starting one of these things) and do so on a near constant basis.

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Red Sonja is one of those characters that few people know, at least outside of the terrible 80’s film featuring Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Brigitte Nielsen. In fact, the character was something of a spin-off from Conan, though I won’t go into who did/did not create the character in the first place, as that continues to be a source of irrelevant confusion.  Disregarding the old Marvel incarnation of the character, Dynamite’s revamp in 2005 has resulted in some very solid tales spun depicting a powerful woman’s struggle against the cycle of repeated destiny. Sometimes… she just has a brawl in a bar.

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What does it mean when one of the games I’m most looking forward to is actually a re-release of an eight year-old and sadly overlooked title? Perhaps it just makes me unique or more than likely a little bit strange. If that’s the case then I’m most definitely not alone, if the current HD ports of the God of War and Ico/Shadow of the Colossus (to name just a few) are anything to go by. It’s a simple fact that re-releases sell, and it didn’t take long for games companies to realise that backwards compatibility might not be the way to go; it may be great for the consumer, but why accommodate it when making a quick buck from releasing old games makes such perfect business sense?

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Neural implants, bionic limbs, retractable weapons and active camouflage have all become synonymous with the science fiction genre, and most recently in video games such as Crysis 2 and Deus Ex: Human Revolution. The abilities granted to the player from these technological marvels are often a necessity in the name of progression, adding greater depth through a range of customisable options; but just how have they influenced gaming and are they more grounded in reality than we might initially think?

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I don’t profess to be an online dating expert, nor can I guarantee success, mostly because looks, height, build etc, really do play a major part in it all. That said, there are certain rules that can make the steep learning curve a little easier. To that end, I offer these ten basic tips for guys struggling online, having tried and tested them (making various mistakes along the way) for over a month. It’s important to note that the rules are very different for women, as it’s widely regarded that they are the ones accepting and rejecting applications.

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I’ll admit it; this is coming from someone who, until very recently, has failed to even scratch the surface of what Call of Duty: Black Ops has to offer, single-player or otherwise (I’m well aware that a quick run-through of the demo doesn’t count). One aspect of the game that this humble writer has been schooled in is the entertaining Zombie mode, which was first pioneered in Treyarch’s 2008 hit, ‘World at War’. The haunting groans of the shambling dead, the screeching sounds of the sprinting ghouls and the rattling noise of desperate gunfire stay with you long after the session has passed, but just what is it that makes this mode so appealing?

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‘Nuff said.

If one game made a surprising impact on me late last year, it was Ninja Theory’s Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Now, I’m well aware it wasn’t to everyone’s taste, with a few people I know on a personal level describing it as little more than one long escort mission. It could be seen as that in a way, with the character Monkey attached via an invisible leash to female co-star Trip via slavery headband (aha, hence the title). But to describe it as such would be to forego its mesmerising art, engaging narrative, plus hours of solid and accessible gameplay.

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Alert! This is a discussion piece. If you haven’t seen the final part of Harry Potter, you should probably hop on your broom and go see it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

At long last, the cinematic adaptation of the boy (turned angsty teen) wizard draws to a close. Each film has been progressively darker in theme than the last, with Half Blood Prince taking things all too literally and coating everything in an eye straining shade of black. Part 1 of Deathly Hallows rectified this issue, retaining the foreboding atmosphere and sense of desperation, though the amount of tent action did grow tiresome. This time, everything comes to a head in spectacular fashion, and as fans of the books have known for years, not everyone is destined to make it through alive.

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Henry Cavill poses in Christopher Nolan’s Man of Steel. I’m a big fan of the layered cape here, though part of me definitely laments Brandon Routh, who ironically won’t be ‘returning’ to the role. 

Amy Adams co-stars as Lois Lane, with Laurence Fishburne as Perry White and Russell Crowe as Jor-El. With Zod making an appearance once more, it looks unlikely that we’ll have to suffer from Lex Luthor’s maniacal estate agent ways. ‘Returns’ was good and had one killer plane sequence, yet it stuck too rigidly to the romanticised vision from the first two Christopher Reeve flicks, and the less said about that piano scene the better! Hopefully, allowing Supes to hit someone rather than just lift things and stalk an old girlfriend will make for more exciting viewing.

As with every year, the summer dearth brings much boredom for the average gamer. The (rather questionable) reasoning behind this, is that the lead-up to the Christmas period is a much more profitable window in which to release the bigger titles. Essentially, this is a good strategy for the likes of Uncharted, Assassin’s Creed and Call of Duty. But why, oh why, must the majority of games be bundled into this annual window when going up against the big names is commercial suicide? The answer is probably arrogance, but even more questionable is the insistence on releasing games around the start of the year. Do we really all have that much Christmas money to throw around? Well, for the likes of Mass Effect the answer is an easy yes. For everything else, it’s highly doubtful.

Either way, it does give rise to an opportunity; namely the chance to revisit an old favourite. In this case, I chose Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. Granted, such a game hardly wins ‘classic’ status when you consider that it’s been little more than nine months since release, but with Revelations tantalising us with the concluding part of Ezio’s trilogy (plus some impromptu Altaiir action) it makes sense to refresh the memory before that game hits. It’s easy to forget just how absorbing Renaissance Rome can be; the sights, the sounds, the crowds, the atmosphere, the freedom - it’s all thoroughly engaging stuff, even if it does lack the variety of its predecessor. 

One of the main issues I’ve had with the game is the terrible horse riding. When you can only trot at a snail’s pace you may as well be playing an overweight banker riding an infant donkey with a knee injury. And for what purpose exactly? The ‘gallop’ button has been omitted for the sake of a ‘stand’ button, apparently to make for more fluid horse combat. At least Ubisoft seems aware of this failing, killing the mechanic dead for the next instalment. For now, I’ll be shanking some soldiers in the Italian Renaissance and having a blast while doing it. But then, am I the only one disappointed at the complete lack of a final boss mode Mecha Cesare? We at least deserved to see Ezio do battle with a fifty foot Borgia…

So I finally did it. I’ve been threatening to jump onto the blogging bandwagon for some time, though have of course failed to get around to it, until now! *Pauses for dramatic effect*

So this is it, a place where I can post random, semi-interesting or even downright stupid material for all to see. It might even turn out to be quite liberating in a way, but we’ll see…

I’ll try to keep this blog active as much as I can, or at least as and when I can think of nerdy things to discuss. It doesn’t have to be games-related, heck, even I’m bound to get bored of doing that all the time, but it does have to hold some nerd value. 

Enjoy!